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Downloaded from
YTS.LT

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♪♪ [ Whistling ]

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.LT

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[ Record Player: Man ]
♪ I'm still stuck--
I'm still stuck-- ♪

5
00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:25,344
♪ I'm still stuck--
I'm still stuck-- ♪

6
00:00:25,448 --> 00:00:29,068
♪ I'm still stuck
in the '60s ♪

7
00:00:29,172 --> 00:00:32,241
♪ The Mamas and the Papas
still get to me ♪

8
00:00:32,344 --> 00:00:34,137
♪ My hair is still long

9
00:00:34,241 --> 00:00:35,862
♪ The New Right
is still wrong ♪

10
00:00:35,965 --> 00:00:39,689
♪ And I still
ain't got my degree ♪

11
00:00:39,793 --> 00:00:43,310
♪ I still ain't bought
a blue suit ♪

12
00:00:43,413 --> 00:00:47,068
♪ I still ain't drunk
enough beer ♪

13
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:50,275
♪ I still ain't married
my wife ♪

14
00:00:50,379 --> 00:00:54,137
♪ I ain't even picked
a career ♪

15
00:00:54,241 --> 00:00:57,551
♪ What in the past
is the matter with me? ♪

16
00:00:57,655 --> 00:01:01,172
♪ Now, why didn't I
evolve? ♪

17
00:01:01,275 --> 00:01:04,896
♪ And why am I asking
the likes of you? ♪

18
00:01:05,000 --> 00:01:08,413
♪ You got the same problem
to solve ♪

19
00:01:08,517 --> 00:01:11,379
[ Announcer ]
Gallagher: Stuck in the '60s!

20
00:01:11,482 --> 00:01:14,965
[ Audience Cheering ]

21
00:01:15,068 --> 00:01:18,137
♪ Acid rock or Woodstock,
a relic of the psychedelic ♪

22
00:01:18,241 --> 00:01:21,724
♪ We're still stuck
in the '60s ♪

23
00:01:21,827 --> 00:01:24,862
♪ Same old modern world

24
00:01:24,965 --> 00:01:28,275
♪ The radio plays
what it played back then ♪

25
00:01:28,379 --> 00:01:31,482
♪ And we're still treatin' women
like girls ♪

26
00:01:31,586 --> 00:01:34,724
♪ E.R.A.
Big delay ♪

27
00:01:34,827 --> 00:01:37,793
♪ We're treatin' women
like girls ♪

28
00:01:37,896 --> 00:01:41,413
♪ The cops
all gots mustaches now ♪

29
00:01:41,517 --> 00:01:44,482
♪ Your mother
wears blue jeans ♪

30
00:01:45,310 --> 00:01:46,482
♪ Back on the rack

31
00:01:46,586 --> 00:01:48,103
♪ Is the miniskirt

32
00:01:48,206 --> 00:01:50,448
♪ Are you beginning to see
what I mean? ♪

33
00:01:50,551 --> 00:01:52,241
♪ Check it out now

34
00:01:52,344 --> 00:01:55,206
♪ What in the past
keeps us coming back? ♪[ Audience Clapping Along ]

35
00:01:55,310 --> 00:01:58,275
♪ That's a fact
every hippie knows ♪

36
00:01:58,379 --> 00:02:00,724
♪ Because no bands
have replaced ♪

37
00:02:00,827 --> 00:02:04,931
♪ The Beatles and even Bob
ain't no Dylan no more ♪

38
00:02:05,034 --> 00:02:09,137
♪ So roll me
a golden oldie ♪

39
00:02:09,241 --> 00:02:13,206
♪ Now take me where I been

40
00:02:13,310 --> 00:02:16,689
♪ Set my mind
on a wilder time ♪

41
00:02:16,793 --> 00:02:18,724
♪ It's the '60s
all over again ♪

42
00:02:18,827 --> 00:02:20,793
♪♪ [ Stops ][ Audience Laughing ]

43
00:02:21,827 --> 00:02:25,275
♪ It's the '60s
all over again ♪

44
00:02:27,241 --> 00:02:29,724
♪ It's the '60s
all over again ♪

45
00:02:29,827 --> 00:02:32,310
♪ Ba-da-da-boom ♪

46
00:03:02,310 --> 00:03:04,482
I'm talkin' flowers!

47
00:03:05,482 --> 00:03:07,793
Flowers!

48
00:03:12,482 --> 00:03:15,310
Flower power!

49
00:03:16,034 --> 00:03:19,793
Peace! Love!

50
00:03:20,689 --> 00:03:23,793
Make love, not war!

51
00:03:24,758 --> 00:03:28,034
Military-industrial
complex!

52
00:03:29,517 --> 00:03:31,793
How many people
remember the '60s?

53
00:03:35,551 --> 00:03:37,482
What a time!

54
00:03:37,586 --> 00:03:40,793
What a time!
The blood was surging
through your veins, wasn't it?

55
00:03:40,896 --> 00:03:44,206
Every day something else
was happening that affected you.

56
00:03:44,310 --> 00:03:46,758
It was in the news.
It was on TV.
It was in the paper.

57
00:03:46,862 --> 00:03:48,793
They was getting you
on the campus.

58
00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:52,620
I went to school
for six and a half years.

59
00:03:54,000 --> 00:03:56,034
It was a long war.

60
00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:03,965
But wasn't it exciting?
Everything affected us.

61
00:04:04,068 --> 00:04:05,965
There was the war
in Vietnam.

62
00:04:06,068 --> 00:04:08,655
There was civil rights.
There was women's rights.

63
00:04:08,758 --> 00:04:11,068
There was music happening
in all directions.

64
00:04:11,172 --> 00:04:14,448
You could go acid rock
or you could go John Denver...

65
00:04:15,137 --> 00:04:16,620
rock.

66
00:04:17,896 --> 00:04:20,965
Either way--
Granny dresses
or psychedelic paint.

67
00:04:21,068 --> 00:04:22,965
There was all kind of stuff
happening.

68
00:04:23,068 --> 00:04:26,068
What's happening now?
Nothin'.

69
00:04:27,275 --> 00:04:30,655
I am so bored,
I'm flashing back.

70
00:04:32,551 --> 00:04:36,000
I mean, what can you say
about the '70s?[ Applause ]

71
00:04:39,551 --> 00:04:42,034
I think everybody else is too.
I think you are.

72
00:04:42,137 --> 00:04:45,137
Because we saw that the '70s,
we didn't come up with nothin'.

73
00:04:45,241 --> 00:04:47,448
Started with Watergate
and ended with disco.

74
00:04:51,275 --> 00:04:55,275
The first fad that was popular
'cause everybody hated it.

75
00:04:55,379 --> 00:04:56,862
It's so dumb.

76
00:04:56,965 --> 00:04:59,413
It seems like they're saying
let's redo the '60s,

77
00:04:59,517 --> 00:05:01,413
and it just ain't
coming out right, is it?

78
00:05:01,517 --> 00:05:02,862
[ Audience Groaning ]No.

79
00:05:02,965 --> 00:05:05,862
You take the war.
The war in Vietnam was exciting.

80
00:05:05,965 --> 00:05:07,931
We was all involved in it
or hiding from it...

81
00:05:08,034 --> 00:05:10,586
or talking about it
or yelling--

82
00:05:10,689 --> 00:05:12,758
But the war we've just had
was so silly,

83
00:05:12,862 --> 00:05:15,448
the British
went to war for our side.

84
00:05:15,551 --> 00:05:19,000
Against our archrivals,
the Argentines.

85
00:05:23,482 --> 00:05:26,724
They attack real funny.
You know the British.

86
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,413
"See you in three weeks!"

87
00:05:34,206 --> 00:05:36,103
Here we are at the equator.

88
00:05:36,206 --> 00:05:38,103
Only a quarter
of the globe to go.

89
00:05:38,206 --> 00:05:40,517
Then they show up
in Harrier jets.

90
00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:43,517
I know we sold it to 'em,
but they're still kinda funny.

91
00:05:43,620 --> 00:05:46,517
They want jets that hover
and then go down.

92
00:05:46,620 --> 00:05:49,931
Leave it to the British
to want a jet that curtsies.

93
00:05:51,206 --> 00:05:53,206
"Where's the war?
Teatime?"

94
00:05:56,379 --> 00:05:57,965
Let's, uh--

95
00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:04,275
Let's stick with violence.
It tells a lot about
the difference in a decade.

96
00:06:04,379 --> 00:06:07,068
There was violence in the '60s
when they shot the president.

97
00:06:07,172 --> 00:06:10,034
We didn't know who did it.
Could've been the Russians.
Could've been the Cubans.

98
00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:13,034
Could've been the C.I.A.,
the F.B.I.

99
00:06:13,137 --> 00:06:15,241
Johnson.
[ Laughs ]

100
00:06:16,275 --> 00:06:19,275
But in the '80s, who was it?
We know.

101
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:21,172
Hinckley!

102
00:06:22,241 --> 00:06:24,793
All by himself
in his motel.

103
00:06:24,896 --> 00:06:27,344
"Think I'll shoot
the president."

104
00:06:27,448 --> 00:06:30,103
It seems like these days
we're just playing with life,

105
00:06:30,206 --> 00:06:32,137
like it really isn't
so serious.

106
00:06:32,241 --> 00:06:35,137
Nobody believes they should
do anything to him
'cause he shot the pre--

107
00:06:35,241 --> 00:06:38,137
"Oh, he couldn't
have been doing that.
That's too serious."

108
00:06:38,241 --> 00:06:42,103
Good thing he didn't try
and steal the president's car.
He might have gone to jail.

109
00:06:52,103 --> 00:06:54,275
You hear what I'm sayin'.

110
00:06:54,379 --> 00:06:57,413
Right.
It's a crazy time out here.

111
00:06:57,517 --> 00:06:59,413
Civil rights.
They were so worried.

112
00:06:59,517 --> 00:07:01,793
We want equal opportunity
to have a job.

113
00:07:01,896 --> 00:07:05,172
You got equal opportunity.
There ain't no jobs!

114
00:07:12,310 --> 00:07:13,965
Then women's rights.

115
00:07:14,068 --> 00:07:16,482
Oh, gee, in the '60s,
it seemed so exciting.

116
00:07:16,586 --> 00:07:19,379
Surely it would happen.
This is America.
Majority rules.

117
00:07:19,482 --> 00:07:22,931
Women are in the majority.
They'll vote themselves an
amendment to the Constitution.

118
00:07:23,034 --> 00:07:25,758
In the '80s
we find out what?
No.

119
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:29,103
They found out when they
stood up for their rights,
they lost their seats.

120
00:07:38,310 --> 00:07:42,413
I don't know.
There's just lots of
different... things.

121
00:07:42,517 --> 00:07:44,103
Do you see these differences
as well?

122
00:07:44,206 --> 00:07:46,172
When I was, uh--

123
00:07:48,793 --> 00:07:50,793
When I was in the--

124
00:07:58,103 --> 00:08:00,931
Yeah, I ain't quite
in the '60s.

125
00:08:03,793 --> 00:08:07,586
People say to me now,
"How'd you lose your hair?"

126
00:08:07,689 --> 00:08:10,034
I say,
"I lost it in Vietnam."

127
00:08:17,344 --> 00:08:21,241
Boy, you women were sure
a letdown to me though.

128
00:08:21,344 --> 00:08:23,724
Let's talk about
the difference
between the sexes.

129
00:08:23,827 --> 00:08:25,758
This is touted a lot.

130
00:08:25,862 --> 00:08:28,517
How many people believe
in equality of the sexes?

131
00:08:33,965 --> 00:08:35,517
You're wrong.

132
00:08:39,068 --> 00:08:40,551
It's equal but different.

133
00:08:40,655 --> 00:08:44,000
Remember that
"equal but different" we tried
to pull on black people?

134
00:08:47,931 --> 00:08:49,827
Now, I'm talking...

135
00:08:49,931 --> 00:08:51,413
men's shortcomings.

136
00:08:51,517 --> 00:08:53,275
Men can't handle Christmas.

137
00:08:55,172 --> 00:08:57,448
Can they, women?[ Women ]
No!

138
00:08:57,551 --> 00:08:59,655
No, they don't know how to shop.
They ain't used to shopping.

139
00:08:59,758 --> 00:09:01,931
Women loveChristmas.
They love to shop.

140
00:09:02,034 --> 00:09:07,413
Here comes an opportunity
to buy something
for everybody they know!

141
00:09:09,068 --> 00:09:11,034
Can you believe it?

142
00:09:13,586 --> 00:09:16,413
But men-- men don't care.
They don't want to shop.

143
00:09:16,517 --> 00:09:19,758
In fact, if a man does
get done shopping,
he can't believe it.

144
00:09:19,862 --> 00:09:23,379
He busts up at the house.
He just blows up.
He can't contain hims--

145
00:09:27,310 --> 00:09:29,275
"You're gonna like it."

146
00:09:32,034 --> 00:09:34,586
"I probably got you something
nicer than you got me."

147
00:09:36,586 --> 00:09:39,448
So they bother you with it,
they bother you with it,
they bother you with it.

148
00:09:39,551 --> 00:09:41,689
Finally you say,
"Give me the damn present."

149
00:09:41,793 --> 00:09:44,482
You open it up,
and it's dumb.

150
00:09:44,586 --> 00:09:48,103
Lucky for you,
now you got a couple days,
take it back to the store,

151
00:09:48,206 --> 00:09:50,068
get something else
so when your mother
comes over...

152
00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:53,000
she don't see
you're still married
to an idiot!

153
00:09:56,310 --> 00:09:58,000
She really will!

154
00:10:00,068 --> 00:10:02,965
All right, men,
I'm on your side here,

155
00:10:03,068 --> 00:10:05,137
'cause women
can't throw a ball.

156
00:10:06,862 --> 00:10:08,413
You're like this.

157
00:10:11,103 --> 00:10:14,482
A man's left hand is as good
as a girl's right hand.

158
00:10:14,586 --> 00:10:17,206
In fact, that'd be fair.
A man's left hand--

159
00:10:17,310 --> 00:10:20,103
A girl's left hand
ain't worth nothin'.

160
00:10:20,206 --> 00:10:24,000
They know it too.
All you can do is crook it
and hang a pocketbook on it.

161
00:10:28,965 --> 00:10:31,896
Lot of women
shaking their heads.

162
00:10:32,000 --> 00:10:34,862
I'm not saying what's right,
but the men agree.
Don't you, guys?

163
00:10:34,965 --> 00:10:37,620
[ Men Cheering,
Applauding ]

164
00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:40,413
I knew it. Women, you don't
get everything right.

165
00:10:40,517 --> 00:10:42,206
Let me show you.

166
00:10:42,310 --> 00:10:45,655
When you go out shopping,
you buy us underwear
that fits cardboard.

167
00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:54,448
And they buy these damn things.
Don't they, guys?

168
00:10:55,551 --> 00:10:58,862
This is called
the decorative chair cover.

169
00:10:59,862 --> 00:11:01,965
Does this look like
your house?

170
00:11:08,827 --> 00:11:10,551
Don't buy it!

171
00:11:14,206 --> 00:11:17,344
Now I'm talkin'
the real difference
in men and women.

172
00:11:17,448 --> 00:11:19,344
- Snake!
- [ Screaming ]

173
00:11:20,862 --> 00:11:23,172
See?
All the guys are cool.

174
00:11:26,310 --> 00:11:28,068
I'm on your side
today, guys.

175
00:11:28,172 --> 00:11:30,344
I hope you score later.

176
00:11:31,551 --> 00:11:33,241
Well, you're out here
at a show.

177
00:11:33,344 --> 00:11:35,241
You're having
a laugh or two.

178
00:11:35,344 --> 00:11:38,758
Later on you could
pop the question.
She'll be in a good mood.

179
00:11:39,655 --> 00:11:41,275
She might even be laughing.

180
00:11:41,379 --> 00:11:44,344
Even if she's just grinning.
It's real hard to go "No!"

181
00:11:48,103 --> 00:11:50,000
All right!

182
00:11:50,103 --> 00:11:52,000
Let's talk about sex
a minute here.

183
00:11:52,103 --> 00:11:54,068
I'm gonna get down![ Cheering ]

184
00:11:54,172 --> 00:11:56,206
I'm gonna get down!

185
00:11:57,793 --> 00:12:01,172
I'm gonna get down
and poke my nose
in your business.

186
00:12:02,241 --> 00:12:04,137
I'm gonna go
right in the bedroom.

187
00:12:04,241 --> 00:12:05,862
I'm talking about
your relationship.

188
00:12:05,965 --> 00:12:08,827
I'm talking about a crack in
your relationship, a problem--[ Laughing ]

189
00:12:08,931 --> 00:12:10,862
Be nice.

190
00:12:10,965 --> 00:12:13,862
I'm talking about a problem
each and every one of you have.

191
00:12:13,965 --> 00:12:16,965
Don't feel cocky if you're
getting it once a night, 'cause
you might be gettin' it twice.

192
00:12:18,241 --> 00:12:20,413
Each and every one of you
have a problem out there.

193
00:12:20,517 --> 00:12:23,379
And it's the woman--
It's her fault, ain't it, guys?

194
00:12:23,482 --> 00:12:25,275
[ Cheering ]

195
00:12:25,379 --> 00:12:28,310
And the problem is
hangin' in the closet.
I'm gonna get it out now.

196
00:12:28,413 --> 00:12:31,586
I'm gonna get out the problem
in your relationship
and solve it right now...

197
00:12:31,689 --> 00:12:33,620
by saying it out loud.

198
00:12:33,724 --> 00:12:36,103
Men, are you with me?
Get rid of this damn robe!

199
00:12:36,206 --> 00:12:38,068
[ Cheering ]

200
00:12:39,689 --> 00:12:42,034
Am I right?

201
00:12:43,965 --> 00:12:47,379
If you never want
to have sex again,

202
00:12:48,931 --> 00:12:51,000
wear this robe.

203
00:12:52,103 --> 00:12:54,379
Am I right, guys?[ Man ]
You got it!

204
00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,620
And thisbullshit!

205
00:12:58,931 --> 00:13:01,103
Am I right, guys?[ Man ]
Oh, yeah!

206
00:13:07,517 --> 00:13:09,034
Is this the look?

207
00:13:13,068 --> 00:13:15,586
Now,

208
00:13:15,689 --> 00:13:18,620
if this was just
a private problem,

209
00:13:18,724 --> 00:13:20,931
I would not say anything.

210
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:24,034
If this problem
was just in your house,

211
00:13:24,137 --> 00:13:26,034
I would not
poke my nose in.

212
00:13:26,137 --> 00:13:29,862
But this has now become
a public travesty.

213
00:13:29,965 --> 00:13:33,034
This is an "emedebic"--
Emedebic?

214
00:13:34,379 --> 00:13:36,931
"Emedemic"
is closer to what it is...

215
00:13:37,793 --> 00:13:39,034
than an epidemic.

216
00:13:39,137 --> 00:13:41,206
'Cause this is some shit!

217
00:13:43,517 --> 00:13:47,137
When you women start feeling
the least bit secure
around the house like this,

218
00:13:47,241 --> 00:13:49,137
you know what's happened.

219
00:13:49,241 --> 00:13:52,241
You went and found you
your tie.

220
00:13:52,344 --> 00:13:55,275
You tied this up
real decent.

221
00:13:55,379 --> 00:13:58,103
You got you something
for your hair.

222
00:13:58,206 --> 00:14:00,551
You got you another shoe.

223
00:14:01,620 --> 00:14:03,103
It matches the hat!

224
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,931
You grabbed your pocketbook
and you headed out...

225
00:14:07,034 --> 00:14:09,103
for the grocery store.

226
00:14:26,482 --> 00:14:29,448
You've seen it
in the produce section.

227
00:14:32,310 --> 00:14:35,620
This...
is a hideous problem.

228
00:14:39,793 --> 00:14:42,172
But can we really
blame the women?

229
00:14:42,275 --> 00:14:44,172
[ Man ]
Take it off! Yeah![ Cheering, Applauding ]

230
00:14:44,275 --> 00:14:48,344
No-- No, we've
got to blame Sears...

231
00:14:49,586 --> 00:14:52,172
for startin' them out
in this.

232
00:14:52,275 --> 00:14:55,068
I found this
in the junior miss section.

233
00:14:56,586 --> 00:15:00,241
What would make a girl
so ashamed of her skin...

234
00:15:01,931 --> 00:15:06,103
that she would wear a hood
and a place to hide her hands
in her house?

235
00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:10,862
This is what you wear
if your father
is the Elephant Man.

236
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:13,758
If you have terminal acne,

237
00:15:13,862 --> 00:15:15,344
you wear this.

238
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:18,103
This is the beginning,
this "I'm all upholstered" look.

239
00:15:20,310 --> 00:15:21,862
And it moves right on.

240
00:15:21,965 --> 00:15:23,517
Tell me, gang.

241
00:15:26,068 --> 00:15:29,103
Is this not a dishrag?

242
00:15:36,482 --> 00:15:41,034
You answer,
"Yes, this is a dishrag!"

243
00:15:41,137 --> 00:15:44,758
[ All ]
Yes, this is a dishrag!

244
00:15:44,862 --> 00:15:48,793
Does it make it
any less a dishrag
if the stripes are wider?

245
00:15:48,896 --> 00:15:50,655
[ All ]
No!

246
00:15:50,758 --> 00:15:53,517
Let me show you
a further epidemic.

247
00:15:56,482 --> 00:15:59,068
It looks nicer
than the others!

248
00:15:59,172 --> 00:16:01,172
It's called a house dress.

249
00:16:01,275 --> 00:16:04,172
As in "As big as."

250
00:16:09,413 --> 00:16:12,000
The tag says "Eye full."

251
00:16:12,103 --> 00:16:14,137
So is the back.

252
00:16:14,241 --> 00:16:17,310
Now they move on
into the bigger sizes.

253
00:16:17,413 --> 00:16:19,034
[ Audience Hooting,
Groaning ]

254
00:16:19,137 --> 00:16:21,655
Yes, a square half-acre.

255
00:16:25,275 --> 00:16:27,000
This--

256
00:16:27,103 --> 00:16:28,896
This is what
a woman wears...

257
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,275
when she's tired to trying
to make it fit her shape
and just sews along the edges.

258
00:16:35,862 --> 00:16:39,137
You wear this when you want
to sneak into the bed with food.

259
00:16:41,655 --> 00:16:44,620
Just put the platter under there
and away you go.

260
00:16:45,724 --> 00:16:47,275
Ends up there anyway.

261
00:16:47,379 --> 00:16:50,724
Now, here's the one.

262
00:16:50,827 --> 00:16:54,344
This is what a woman calls
her good robe.

263
00:16:56,172 --> 00:16:58,448
She puts this on
on an evening...

264
00:16:58,551 --> 00:17:00,379
when she'd
like to get screwed,

265
00:17:00,482 --> 00:17:02,517
but if it don't happen,
fuck it.

266
00:17:16,689 --> 00:17:20,310
And if she don't get it,
this is what she puts on
the next night.

267
00:17:25,620 --> 00:17:29,000
This Christmas
Grandma made me...

268
00:17:30,793 --> 00:17:32,344
this.

269
00:17:37,344 --> 00:17:39,620
Grandma said...

270
00:17:39,724 --> 00:17:41,724
"What color you want?"

271
00:17:44,965 --> 00:17:47,275
I said,
"It don't matter."

272
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:52,517
Grandma showed me
it damn sure doesmatter!

273
00:17:53,586 --> 00:17:55,068
There are colors here...

274
00:17:55,172 --> 00:17:58,241
that do now exist
in the natural rainbow.

275
00:17:58,344 --> 00:18:01,931
Some of these colors
exist only in yarn.

276
00:18:10,034 --> 00:18:11,586
I'm speaking the truth.

277
00:18:11,689 --> 00:18:14,724
And I'm not
just blaming the girls.

278
00:18:27,551 --> 00:18:29,551
This...

279
00:18:31,103 --> 00:18:33,000
is a problem.

280
00:18:33,103 --> 00:18:36,206
When we're starting kids out
at such an early age...

281
00:18:36,310 --> 00:18:38,482
with Bert and Ernie,

282
00:18:38,586 --> 00:18:41,413
later on
thislooks conservative.

283
00:18:43,551 --> 00:18:45,206
That's the problem.

284
00:18:46,310 --> 00:18:48,344
It's not just
one sex or another.

285
00:18:48,448 --> 00:18:50,241
Sometimes
it's both of you.

286
00:18:50,344 --> 00:18:53,724
You're both buying these things,
and they're the stupidest
damn things I've ever seen.

287
00:18:53,827 --> 00:18:57,206
I didn't say anything when
the dogs were playing cards.

288
00:18:58,275 --> 00:19:01,655
But now that the cats
are playing cards,

289
00:19:02,827 --> 00:19:04,896
you know--

290
00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,172
[ Cheering, Applause ]

291
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:11,172
I mean--

292
00:19:12,379 --> 00:19:15,275
You can't get a cat
to shit in a box.

293
00:19:15,379 --> 00:19:18,793
You don't want him to
ante in on your table.
Okay?

294
00:19:20,344 --> 00:19:23,413
Well, if the cats
can play cards,
then of course...

295
00:19:23,517 --> 00:19:25,551
the dogs can shoot pool.

296
00:19:29,344 --> 00:19:32,413
How you gonna make a bridge
with a paw?

297
00:19:32,517 --> 00:19:35,586
And the "optimon"
of stupidity...

298
00:19:35,689 --> 00:19:39,103
is trying to make people believe
it's okay for your son to read
the book in the living room...

299
00:19:39,206 --> 00:19:41,034
with the lion.

300
00:19:49,379 --> 00:19:52,793
It's a hideous,
hideous stupidity.

301
00:19:52,896 --> 00:19:55,379
I see it
all around the country.

302
00:19:55,482 --> 00:19:59,310
[ Cheering, Applause ]

303
00:20:03,551 --> 00:20:05,172
This is Michigan.

304
00:20:12,310 --> 00:20:16,172
Now, when I say
I'm stuck in the '60s,
I'm talking about my mind.

305
00:20:16,275 --> 00:20:18,206
I'm not talking about
the way I dress.

306
00:20:18,310 --> 00:20:21,241
In fact, the dumbest thing
about the '60s
was the way we dressed.

307
00:20:21,344 --> 00:20:24,241
But I'm talking about
the mind of the '60s...

308
00:20:24,344 --> 00:20:26,724
that asked questions, see.

309
00:20:26,827 --> 00:20:29,482
Went right up against Michigan.
[ Chuckles ]

310
00:20:32,586 --> 00:20:36,448
I still have a problem
in Michigan when I take my
'60s kind of mind up there.

311
00:20:36,551 --> 00:20:39,965
And I just ask some stuff?
I see on TV-- You tell me.
Is this not dumb?

312
00:20:40,068 --> 00:20:42,448
I'm watching TV.
They had taken
a bunch of blind people.

313
00:20:42,551 --> 00:20:44,448
They thought they'd do
something real nice.

314
00:20:44,551 --> 00:20:47,724
They took a bunch of
blind people that normally
don't get a chance to hunt.

315
00:20:54,482 --> 00:20:56,896
That isdumb, isn't it?[ Audience ]
Yeah!

316
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:59,103
Well, they wouldn't laugh!

317
00:20:59,206 --> 00:21:00,620
I began to wonder.

318
00:21:00,724 --> 00:21:03,862
But I thought, what is dumber
than a blind person with a gun?

319
00:21:03,965 --> 00:21:06,000
That would be
handing themthe gun.

320
00:21:06,103 --> 00:21:09,482
Where do you hide from
a blind person with a gun?

321
00:21:09,586 --> 00:21:12,172
How do you make a noise
that ain't like a rabbit?

322
00:21:20,724 --> 00:21:24,068
This is the problem.
It's this kind of
overall stupidity.

323
00:21:24,172 --> 00:21:26,068
I don't know.
Do you see it?

324
00:21:26,172 --> 00:21:27,896
[ Audience ]
Yeah!

325
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:30,896
I saw it just the other day.
I'm walking up to a buffet.

326
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:35,586
I didn't think,
"Well, gee, how could I find
stupidity at a buffet?"

327
00:21:35,689 --> 00:21:39,758
I'm walking up
to the buffet, and I said,
"I'd like to have the buffet."

328
00:21:39,862 --> 00:21:42,103
And then he says,
"Is that onefor the buffet?"

329
00:21:42,206 --> 00:21:45,137
I said, "Yeah.
That's why I used 'I.'

330
00:21:45,241 --> 00:21:47,655
I'd like to go over
to the buffet."

331
00:21:48,827 --> 00:21:51,206
I should have known
it was dumb to begin with.

332
00:21:51,310 --> 00:21:53,793
You don't have a maître d'
at a buffet.

333
00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:55,896
It's like a hubcap
on a tractor.

334
00:21:58,655 --> 00:22:01,551
Really. So I say,
"I'd like to go over
to the buffet."

335
00:22:01,655 --> 00:22:04,034
And he says,
"Wait a minute. We'll
show you to your table."

336
00:22:04,137 --> 00:22:07,689
"I ain't eatin' my table.
I want the buffet."

337
00:22:07,793 --> 00:22:09,689
So he says,
"Well, you don't
understand."

338
00:22:09,793 --> 00:22:12,137
I said,
"I understand. You see this?

339
00:22:12,241 --> 00:22:14,620
I've played buffet before.

340
00:22:17,793 --> 00:22:19,517
I know what you do.

341
00:22:19,620 --> 00:22:23,620
You're gonna take me over there,
open up the table,
slide me in-- cramme in.

342
00:22:23,724 --> 00:22:27,034
Five minutes later, a guy that
don't speak English is gonna
give me a glass of water...

343
00:22:27,137 --> 00:22:28,620
I ain't gonna drink.

344
00:22:29,620 --> 00:22:31,206
Ten minutes later,

345
00:22:31,310 --> 00:22:34,137
a waitress is gonna come over
and she's gonna say,
'What you want?'

346
00:22:34,241 --> 00:22:37,172
I say, 'I want the buffet.'
she says, 'It's over there.'"

347
00:22:38,275 --> 00:22:40,275
[ Applause ]

348
00:22:44,724 --> 00:22:47,931
Many times you have to point out
stupidity in high places.

349
00:22:48,034 --> 00:22:50,896
I had to tell the judge
he was stupid the other day.

350
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:54,275
[ Audience ]
Ooh!If he is, I have to say it!

351
00:22:54,379 --> 00:22:57,275
I got a speeding ticket,
went before the judge and said,

352
00:22:57,379 --> 00:22:59,275
"I'd like to go
to traffic school."

353
00:22:59,379 --> 00:23:02,172
He says, "That's okay.
But don't be late."

354
00:23:02,275 --> 00:23:05,689
I said, "Judge, that's
the same shit got me here!"

355
00:23:17,827 --> 00:23:20,275
The other day
I'm sitting on the plane.

356
00:23:21,689 --> 00:23:24,965
Which is a real problem
to me anyway,
the damn airport.

357
00:23:25,068 --> 00:23:27,965
It is. I swear,
I just wanna get 'em so bad.

358
00:23:28,068 --> 00:23:30,310
I went up and I got 'em
the other day.

359
00:23:30,413 --> 00:23:34,896
I said, "I'm going to Atlanta.
I'd like this bag to go to
Denver and this one to Miami."

360
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:40,275
They said, "We can't do that."
I said, "You did it yesterday."

361
00:23:47,275 --> 00:23:50,344
So I'm sitting on the plane,
and the pilot gets on and says,

362
00:23:50,448 --> 00:23:53,103
[ Pronouncing Sibilant S's ]
"Stewardesses, take your seats."

363
00:23:56,931 --> 00:23:58,931
I thought,
"Wow, I don't know.

364
00:23:59,034 --> 00:24:01,482
I'm pretty liberal,
but geez--"

365
00:24:02,931 --> 00:24:06,724
This is my life, you know?
What if he flies like he talks?

366
00:24:10,137 --> 00:24:14,482
So he's back on.
"Welcome to Sun service
to San Francisco, San Jose...

367
00:24:14,586 --> 00:24:16,413
and Spokane."

368
00:24:18,172 --> 00:24:21,137
I thought, "Geez,
this isn't gonna be good."

369
00:24:22,310 --> 00:24:23,689
Too late though.

370
00:24:23,793 --> 00:24:26,344
"Fasten your seat belts!"

371
00:24:26,448 --> 00:24:30,379
I said, "Yeah, 'cause we're
comin' slidin' down the runway!"

372
00:24:31,482 --> 00:24:35,344
Somebody spit all over
the steering wheel!

373
00:24:38,758 --> 00:24:40,482
I don't know.
Am I wrong there?

374
00:24:40,586 --> 00:24:42,517
[ Audience ]
No!

375
00:24:42,620 --> 00:24:45,896
I just demand something.
I demand to be served right.

376
00:24:46,000 --> 00:24:48,000
[ Man ]
Damn right.I demand it.

377
00:24:48,896 --> 00:24:51,241
Maybe that's not the '60s.

378
00:24:52,862 --> 00:24:55,000
I didn't serve in the '60s.

379
00:24:59,344 --> 00:25:01,586
But-- Well, like
remember service stations?

380
00:25:01,689 --> 00:25:03,586
Remember that?[ Audience ]
Yeah!

381
00:25:03,689 --> 00:25:05,586
Boy, wasn't thatsomething?

382
00:25:05,689 --> 00:25:07,896
Remember
there was a dinger bell,
an air hose?

383
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,655
You'd come driving in,
it goes "Ding-dong!"
The dude come running out!

384
00:25:11,758 --> 00:25:15,310
"How may I serve you?
Let me get the oil, the water,
the gas, the windshield.

385
00:25:15,413 --> 00:25:18,620
Let me do every damn thing
I can for 32.9!"

386
00:25:27,896 --> 00:25:32,206
Now what is it?
It's a buck now, come down
from a buck and a half.

387
00:25:32,310 --> 00:25:35,689
Gone from "impossible"
to "improbable."

388
00:25:35,793 --> 00:25:38,896
And the dude lives
in a little house
way over there.

389
00:25:40,551 --> 00:25:43,724
You gotta go,
"Hey! Turn on the pump!"

390
00:25:45,413 --> 00:25:47,689
[ Applause ]

391
00:25:47,793 --> 00:25:49,448
You know?

392
00:25:52,344 --> 00:25:54,551
"Abro o pumpo."

393
00:25:56,000 --> 00:25:58,862
You wanna communicate.
What are you gonna say?

394
00:25:58,965 --> 00:26:00,793
"Mucho-Test?"

395
00:26:02,206 --> 00:26:04,793
"Ocho-tane"?
What are you gonna say?

396
00:26:07,448 --> 00:26:10,655
Have you ever asked 'em
for a quart of oil
over in the little house?

397
00:26:10,758 --> 00:26:13,172
"What do you want
a quart of oil?
At a gas station?

398
00:26:13,275 --> 00:26:15,931
Go to a grocery store
where you belong!"

399
00:26:21,172 --> 00:26:23,172
For real.

400
00:26:23,275 --> 00:26:26,379
- Am I wrong about this?
- No!

401
00:26:26,482 --> 00:26:28,241
Good!

402
00:26:28,344 --> 00:26:29,827
I thought I was.

403
00:26:29,931 --> 00:26:32,551
We try and communicate out
on the road with each other...

404
00:26:32,655 --> 00:26:34,931
and be in agreement
on stupidity.

405
00:26:35,034 --> 00:26:36,517
Don't we? Don't you?

406
00:26:36,620 --> 00:26:38,517
I see your faces
out on the road.

407
00:26:38,620 --> 00:26:41,586
When we see an idiot driving,
we all look around
at each other and go--

408
00:26:46,655 --> 00:26:49,275
I feel that camaraderie
of people...

409
00:26:49,379 --> 00:26:52,724
whose minds demand
a little bit of reason too
when you're driving.

410
00:26:52,827 --> 00:26:54,758
These people
are such idiots.

411
00:26:54,862 --> 00:26:56,793
You always know
they're in a hurry...

412
00:26:56,896 --> 00:26:59,241
to get someplace
and screw it up.

413
00:26:59,344 --> 00:27:02,448
They go real fast in this lane,
then jam on the brakes.

414
00:27:02,551 --> 00:27:04,241
'Cause they can't
get through.

415
00:27:04,344 --> 00:27:07,862
You know you couldn't
get through, otherwise you'd
have driven over there. Right?

416
00:27:07,965 --> 00:27:09,931
So they fade back,
they fade back,

417
00:27:10,034 --> 00:27:12,586
they come around,
they come around,
they go realfast.

418
00:27:12,689 --> 00:27:15,241
Then they slam on
the brakes again
'cause they can't get through.

419
00:27:15,344 --> 00:27:16,827
Right?
But you can see that.

420
00:27:16,931 --> 00:27:18,965
That's why you didn't go
over there.

421
00:27:19,068 --> 00:27:21,965
If they were smart,
they'd hang back with you.

422
00:27:22,068 --> 00:27:25,689
'Cause you know there's a light
up there where they're gonna
have to stop in a minute anyway.

423
00:27:25,793 --> 00:27:28,241
No sense racing up
and sitting there
for the whole light.

424
00:27:28,344 --> 00:27:31,931
You can just tool up
behind 'em, get out of the car,
plenty of red,

425
00:27:32,034 --> 00:27:35,310
walk up,
tap on the window,
say...

426
00:27:35,413 --> 00:27:38,620
"What the fuck
was all that back there?"

427
00:27:49,137 --> 00:27:53,000
See, you got to call people
on stupidity when they do it.

428
00:27:53,103 --> 00:27:54,689
They don't expect you to.

429
00:27:54,793 --> 00:27:58,275
I have so much to say
when I'm in a car
and I only have a horn.

430
00:27:59,896 --> 00:28:01,448
It don't say enough.

431
00:28:01,551 --> 00:28:03,896
A horn just goes,
"Screw you!"

432
00:28:04,896 --> 00:28:07,758
I have so many
other things to say.

433
00:28:07,862 --> 00:28:10,379
I'd like to have
a microphone.

434
00:28:10,482 --> 00:28:13,379
Microphone
with a speaker up on top,
like the cops got.

435
00:28:13,482 --> 00:28:14,931
You can have 'em too.

436
00:28:15,034 --> 00:28:17,344
Freedom of speech
includes volume.

437
00:28:21,448 --> 00:28:23,034
That'd be cool,
wouldn't it?

438
00:28:23,137 --> 00:28:26,000
That way when we wanted
an agreement on something,
we could just call out.

439
00:28:26,103 --> 00:28:29,655
You'd go, "Is it me,
or is thatan asshole?"

440
00:28:37,758 --> 00:28:39,448
I got lots of ideas.

441
00:28:41,482 --> 00:28:44,379
Let me show you one.
Didn't I have one over here?
Yeah.

442
00:28:44,482 --> 00:28:46,724
Let me show you on this.
I got an idea.

443
00:28:46,827 --> 00:28:49,862
You know, truckers are
really bugging me lately.

444
00:28:49,965 --> 00:28:52,862
These truckers,
they run right up
on the back end of you.

445
00:28:52,965 --> 00:28:57,068
You know how they do?
They run right up,
run right up, run right up.

446
00:28:57,172 --> 00:28:59,172
We're driving
these little cars too.

447
00:28:59,275 --> 00:29:01,241
I can't believe
Americans would drive...

448
00:29:01,344 --> 00:29:03,758
these little
rice-burning cars!

449
00:29:05,379 --> 00:29:07,344
[ Applause ]

450
00:29:09,724 --> 00:29:12,862
I look at that and I say,
"You could've had a V-8!"

451
00:29:15,724 --> 00:29:17,758
Yes!

452
00:29:17,862 --> 00:29:21,413
I wanted to show you.
My new idea is to have--

453
00:29:21,517 --> 00:29:23,586
redesign the truck
so that the truck driver...

454
00:29:23,689 --> 00:29:26,862
is in a little more at jeopardy
when he comes up behind you.

455
00:29:26,965 --> 00:29:28,517
See, you make him drive--

456
00:29:30,965 --> 00:29:33,000
Right out
in the front there.

457
00:29:38,517 --> 00:29:41,068
See?
I got lots of ideas.

458
00:29:42,793 --> 00:29:44,793
I just ain't in charge.

459
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:49,379
But I'm investing my money
in these ideas.

460
00:29:49,482 --> 00:29:51,724
You got to have something
to put your money in.

461
00:29:51,827 --> 00:29:56,310
I can let you people in on it.
If you like any of the ideas,
you can just give me some money.

462
00:29:56,413 --> 00:30:00,586
I'm coming out with something
to help kids eat greens.
Kids don't wanna eat greens.

463
00:30:00,689 --> 00:30:02,413
Peas on the cob.

464
00:30:03,620 --> 00:30:05,896
It confuses 'em a little.

465
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:08,620
Let me see.
I got a Zen laxative.

466
00:30:09,827 --> 00:30:11,896
All Things Must Pass.

467
00:30:14,103 --> 00:30:17,413
Sometimes all you need
is a catchy little name!

468
00:30:17,517 --> 00:30:19,275
This is America!

469
00:30:19,379 --> 00:30:21,413
Right?[ Audience ]
Right!

470
00:30:21,517 --> 00:30:24,344
Just make money.
That's all.Right!

471
00:30:24,448 --> 00:30:25,931
It's a game.

472
00:30:26,034 --> 00:30:28,482
You win if you got
lots of money!Yeah!

473
00:30:28,586 --> 00:30:30,482
All right,
so how about a sweetener...

474
00:30:30,586 --> 00:30:33,793
made from the pollen that bees
get from marijuana flowers.

475
00:30:33,896 --> 00:30:36,310
[ Audience Cheering ]

476
00:30:36,413 --> 00:30:38,241
Ready for the name?

477
00:30:38,344 --> 00:30:40,310
Sweet'n High.

478
00:30:45,448 --> 00:30:50,551
Now, I don't want you people
to think that I experiment
with drugs, 'cause I don't.

479
00:30:50,655 --> 00:30:52,620
I'm into
full-scale research.

480
00:30:54,517 --> 00:30:59,068
But someone must carry on
this vital work now that
Delorean's out of de business.

481
00:31:00,137 --> 00:31:02,241
[ Applause ]

482
00:31:05,793 --> 00:31:09,000
Boy, don't you wish
you'd have run across his ass
before the feds did?

483
00:31:10,172 --> 00:31:12,310
What a babe in the woods!

484
00:31:12,413 --> 00:31:15,931
I'd have said, Delorean, you're
slapping fate in the face,
pushing your luck.

485
00:31:16,034 --> 00:31:19,827
You don't go through L.A.X.
with 220 pounds!

486
00:31:20,862 --> 00:31:23,068
You're allowed three bags.

487
00:31:24,586 --> 00:31:27,068
[ Applause ]

488
00:31:29,034 --> 00:31:31,931
Seventy pounds each!

489
00:31:32,034 --> 00:31:35,379
The sky cap
could have busted his ass.

490
00:31:36,482 --> 00:31:39,103
"What do you got
in here, man?"

491
00:31:39,206 --> 00:31:41,379
He's so cocky.
"Could we just blow?"

492
00:31:43,620 --> 00:31:45,275
But he's innocent.

493
00:31:46,655 --> 00:31:48,551
He can prove it.
I can prove it.

494
00:31:48,655 --> 00:31:50,379
Obviously wasn't
using cocaine.

495
00:31:50,482 --> 00:31:52,551
Otherwise his mind
would've been racing.

496
00:31:52,655 --> 00:31:55,758
When the feds come up,
he'd have come up with a story.

497
00:31:55,862 --> 00:31:58,448
Wouldn't you?
"What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?

498
00:31:58,551 --> 00:32:01,689
I'm... working on a car
that runs on cocaine."

499
00:32:07,862 --> 00:32:11,862
Then they say,
"No, Delorean, that'd be
too expensive to drive."

500
00:32:11,965 --> 00:32:14,758
He says,
"You just snort-start it.

501
00:32:16,551 --> 00:32:19,241
Then it runs
anywhere there's a white line."

502
00:32:28,586 --> 00:32:31,068
But I like Delorean.
I like his style.

503
00:32:31,172 --> 00:32:33,896
Dig the dude's scope.

504
00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:37,896
He said, "I can't make
stainless steel, gull-winged,
futuristic cars...

505
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:40,896
in the middle of
a civil rebellion
in Ireland?

506
00:32:41,000 --> 00:32:44,172
Well, then I'll be
the biggest cocaine dealer
in Los Angeles."

507
00:32:50,137 --> 00:32:51,931
Style!

508
00:32:52,034 --> 00:32:54,965
This man knew
that the world wasn't conquered
by Alexander the Average,

509
00:32:55,068 --> 00:32:58,206
Ivan the Bland
or Attila the Ho-hum.

510
00:32:58,310 --> 00:33:01,965
It was somebody
that took ahold of the world
and did something.

511
00:33:02,068 --> 00:33:03,862
We don't teach that.

512
00:33:03,965 --> 00:33:08,862
We teach our little kids
communist theories.

513
00:33:08,965 --> 00:33:11,896
We have communist institutions
in our society...

514
00:33:12,000 --> 00:33:13,689
which suppress
the individual.

515
00:33:13,793 --> 00:33:15,310
Yes, I'm talking about...

516
00:33:15,965 --> 00:33:18,206
the Boy Scouts.

517
00:33:18,310 --> 00:33:20,206
Trustworthy, loyal, helpful,
friendly, courteous, kind,

518
00:33:20,310 --> 00:33:22,206
obedient, cheerful, thrifty,
brave, clean and reverent...

519
00:33:22,310 --> 00:33:24,586
is the biggest bunch
of bullshit...

520
00:33:27,586 --> 00:33:29,275
I have ever heard!

521
00:33:30,482 --> 00:33:32,379
"Trustworthy, loyal."
Isn't that the same thing?

522
00:33:32,482 --> 00:33:33,965
It begins
by being redundant.

523
00:33:34,068 --> 00:33:36,793
Always be suspicious
of someone who has
too much to say.

524
00:33:36,896 --> 00:33:39,275
Except for me.

525
00:33:39,379 --> 00:33:41,206
Trustworthy, loyal,
helpful, friendly.

526
00:33:41,310 --> 00:33:43,724
Helpful andfriendly?
Helpful isfriendly.

527
00:33:43,827 --> 00:33:47,482
Who in the hell is gonna go,
"Give me this. I'll carry this.
You're so stupid"?

528
00:33:48,896 --> 00:33:50,655
Courteous, kind, obedient.

529
00:33:50,758 --> 00:33:52,724
You hear this?
This is a slave or a dog.

530
00:33:52,827 --> 00:33:55,827
Not a free-thinking individual
that's gonna do things
on his own.

531
00:33:55,931 --> 00:33:58,103
Where's the "number one"
spirit in there anywhere?

532
00:33:58,206 --> 00:34:00,103
Winners.
Ain't that American?

533
00:34:00,206 --> 00:34:02,482
We're telling them
to be thrifty and brave.

534
00:34:02,586 --> 00:34:04,551
Save a penny,
risk your life.

535
00:34:06,034 --> 00:34:07,620
Makes no sense.

536
00:34:07,724 --> 00:34:10,275
Why don't we just tell 'em
"be hip"?

537
00:34:10,379 --> 00:34:12,344
Be hip, dude.
Don't wear that.

538
00:34:13,482 --> 00:34:15,413
Be hip and be rich.

539
00:34:15,517 --> 00:34:19,379
You wanna tell the little dude
to be something he might be,
say, "Be rich, dude."

540
00:34:19,482 --> 00:34:23,344
You be rich, you don't have to
be trustworthy, loyal,
helpful, friendly--

541
00:34:24,724 --> 00:34:28,482
All right, I just got
one more idea. For a TV.

542
00:34:28,586 --> 00:34:30,620
You watch these guys
all the time,

543
00:34:30,724 --> 00:34:33,137
and that's basically
the picture that you always see.

544
00:34:33,241 --> 00:34:37,103
I got little TV bodies
that would complete--

545
00:34:43,862 --> 00:34:47,758
Now, I invented this here.
This is a good use
of these old water bottles.

546
00:34:47,862 --> 00:34:51,448
When you're in a room
with a smoker, you just
stick this over his head.

547
00:34:55,241 --> 00:34:58,172
And, uh, of course
you've all seen this before.

548
00:34:58,275 --> 00:35:01,724
This is just a little invention
of mine, but I still think
it's very good.

549
00:35:07,206 --> 00:35:08,724
Well--

550
00:35:10,482 --> 00:35:13,275
Maybe we could take
just a moment here to relax.

551
00:35:14,344 --> 00:35:17,103
Let me get my guitar.

552
00:35:17,206 --> 00:35:20,517
[ Applause, Cheering ]My old stool out here.

553
00:35:22,827 --> 00:35:26,206
Settle down
and sing a song.

554
00:35:30,379 --> 00:35:33,206
[ Applause Continues ]

555
00:35:33,310 --> 00:35:35,379
All right.Whoo!

556
00:35:35,482 --> 00:35:38,275
This is the spontaneous
portion of the show.

557
00:35:39,413 --> 00:35:41,413
Would anyone like
to just ask me a question?

558
00:35:41,517 --> 00:35:44,034
Any question.
I can handle it. Yes, sir.
The Mexican over there.

559
00:35:44,137 --> 00:35:45,793
What?What happened
to the other car?

560
00:35:45,896 --> 00:35:48,448
What happened
to my other car?You used to drive out here.

561
00:35:48,551 --> 00:35:50,793
The one I used to drive?
This is a new show.

562
00:35:50,896 --> 00:35:53,379
This is a new day.
This is a new year.

563
00:35:53,482 --> 00:35:54,965
Welcome to today.

564
00:35:55,068 --> 00:35:56,896
[ Laughing ]

565
00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,137
I had a new van door.

566
00:35:59,241 --> 00:36:01,862
'Cause vans were in the '60s.
Vans are cool.

567
00:36:01,965 --> 00:36:03,482
Vans are still neat.

568
00:36:03,586 --> 00:36:05,517
You pack up
everything you need
in the van.

569
00:36:05,620 --> 00:36:08,344
Whenever you want it,
slam on the brakes and it hits
you in the back of the head.

570
00:36:12,655 --> 00:36:16,344
Thank you. Are there any more
just spontaneous questions?

571
00:36:16,448 --> 00:36:18,344
[ Man ]
How come we didn't get
any cookies tonight?

572
00:36:18,448 --> 00:36:21,241
You did not get
any cookies tonight? Yes.

573
00:36:21,344 --> 00:36:23,344
Well, comedy is
a surprise, you see?

574
00:36:23,448 --> 00:36:26,965
If I did
exactly what you expected,
then it wouldn't be damn funny!

575
00:36:40,931 --> 00:36:44,000
[ Applause Continues ]

576
00:36:45,793 --> 00:36:48,862
You guys.[ Cheering,
Whooping ]

577
00:36:49,931 --> 00:36:51,413
Yee-ha!

578
00:36:52,620 --> 00:36:53,827
All right.

579
00:36:53,931 --> 00:36:55,931
Hey, let's just take a--

580
00:36:56,034 --> 00:36:58,689
Let's take an opportunity
to get on down here.

581
00:36:59,793 --> 00:37:01,862
Just relax and talk
a little bit.

582
00:37:01,965 --> 00:37:03,793
Get kinda family.

583
00:37:05,275 --> 00:37:07,931
How many people
came from a family?
You came from a family.

584
00:37:09,413 --> 00:37:11,379
Well, then
a few of you can--

585
00:37:11,482 --> 00:37:13,827
can kind of identify.

586
00:37:13,931 --> 00:37:16,965
I think the '60s kind of had
a family attitude to it.

587
00:37:17,068 --> 00:37:18,965
I hope that it
carries on now.

588
00:37:19,068 --> 00:37:20,965
We were all involved
in each other's lives.

589
00:37:21,068 --> 00:37:23,034
You need to do that,
even if it's a little thing.

590
00:37:23,137 --> 00:37:25,172
Like, you see some guy
walking along the street...

591
00:37:25,275 --> 00:37:27,758
with his pants down
to the crack of his ass.

592
00:37:28,793 --> 00:37:31,620
It looks bad
for the whole town.

593
00:37:31,724 --> 00:37:33,206
You know?

594
00:37:33,310 --> 00:37:36,344
Just come up and say,
"Will you pull up
your damn pants?

595
00:37:36,448 --> 00:37:37,931
Where's your mother?"

596
00:37:42,517 --> 00:37:45,241
Does your mom come over--
My mom don't come over no more.

597
00:37:46,793 --> 00:37:48,724
I don't know.
I'm glad she don't.

598
00:37:48,827 --> 00:37:50,793
She'd always barge in
the bathroom.

599
00:37:50,896 --> 00:37:53,793
Mothers think they can
just barge in the bathroom.

600
00:37:53,896 --> 00:37:56,103
Sometimes I'm in there
thinkin' about stuff.

601
00:37:58,000 --> 00:37:59,724
One day I was in there.

602
00:37:59,827 --> 00:38:02,620
I was wondering where
your lap goes when you stand up.

603
00:38:03,655 --> 00:38:05,689
And I go,
"Now I don't have a lap.

604
00:38:05,793 --> 00:38:07,862
Now I do have a lap.

605
00:38:07,965 --> 00:38:09,931
Now I don't have a lap.

606
00:38:10,034 --> 00:38:12,000
Now I do have a lap.

607
00:38:12,103 --> 00:38:15,137
No, that's backwards."[ Laughing ]

608
00:38:16,413 --> 00:38:19,137
[ Cheering,
Applauding ]

609
00:38:19,241 --> 00:38:23,551
"Now I have a lap.
Now I don't have a lap."

610
00:38:23,655 --> 00:38:25,551
Then Mom comes in. I said,
"I wonder where it goes?"

611
00:38:25,655 --> 00:38:28,931
She says,
"It doesn't matter.
Flush it."

612
00:38:31,655 --> 00:38:34,448
Mom was more realistic
than-- than Dad.

613
00:38:35,896 --> 00:38:37,862
Dad tried to teach me.
He wanted to teach me.

614
00:38:37,965 --> 00:38:39,620
Did your dad
try and do that?

615
00:38:39,724 --> 00:38:42,103
"I wanna teach you, Son.
Go ahead, ask me
some questions."

616
00:38:42,206 --> 00:38:44,896
So I think, "Okay, boy.

617
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:47,965
Did Ray Charles ever hit
his tooth on the mic?"

618
00:38:52,620 --> 00:38:55,551
Dad says, "I don't know."

619
00:38:55,655 --> 00:38:59,931
I said, "If Janet Guthrie
wins the 500, will she have to
kiss the pretty girl?"

620
00:39:02,827 --> 00:39:04,827
"I don't know."

621
00:39:08,586 --> 00:39:11,137
Do single people
have dirty backs?

622
00:39:16,620 --> 00:39:18,862
"I don't know."

623
00:39:18,965 --> 00:39:23,413
If the flying saucers land
and little green guys get out
and they're in the nude,

624
00:39:23,517 --> 00:39:25,482
we won't know
what not to look at.

625
00:39:27,724 --> 00:39:29,724
Might be
on top of their head.

626
00:39:32,862 --> 00:39:35,172
Might tip their hat
and expose themselves, you know.

627
00:39:37,655 --> 00:39:39,517
So I'd ask Dad these things.

628
00:39:39,620 --> 00:39:43,551
If Mandamp;M's melt in your mouth
but not in your hand, what do
they do, say, under your arm?

629
00:39:46,137 --> 00:39:47,965
Dad says, "I don't know."

630
00:39:49,310 --> 00:39:51,413
I said, "Do you mind me
asking you these questions?"

631
00:39:51,517 --> 00:39:53,482
He says, "No.
How else you gonna learn?"

632
00:39:57,448 --> 00:39:59,413
He said, "I wanted to talk
to you about sex anyway."

633
00:39:59,517 --> 00:40:01,482
I said, "Okay,
what you wanna know?"

634
00:40:01,586 --> 00:40:04,551
[ Laughing,
Applauding ]

635
00:40:10,620 --> 00:40:13,413
Dad says,
"No, you can ask me anything.
I think it's about time."

636
00:40:13,517 --> 00:40:15,896
I said, "Okay, why is there
only eight and a half months...

637
00:40:16,000 --> 00:40:17,827
between your anniversary
and my birthday?"

638
00:40:23,655 --> 00:40:27,482
Yep. Dad said, "We're gonna
have to have a man-to-man talk."

639
00:40:27,586 --> 00:40:32,379
I said, "Why does
a man-to-man talk always take
place between a man and a boy?"

640
00:40:32,482 --> 00:40:36,827
Then Dad answered me
with a question. He said,
"You want your face slapped?"

641
00:40:36,931 --> 00:40:39,965
I said,
"No, but I could use my butt
kicked. What do you say?"

642
00:40:41,137 --> 00:40:43,310
That's why they call it
rearin' a child.

643
00:40:44,482 --> 00:40:46,827
[ Audience Groans ]

644
00:40:46,931 --> 00:40:51,689
Hey, sometimes words
do mean what they say.

645
00:40:51,793 --> 00:40:54,724
Or they have extra meanings,
and sometimes they have meanings
they shouldn't have.

646
00:40:54,827 --> 00:40:56,827
Like I heard hungjury
the other day.

647
00:41:01,413 --> 00:41:03,379
And I say,
"What, all guys?"

648
00:41:06,724 --> 00:41:10,206
What'd I hear the other day
seem really fun--
"Urban guerrillas."

649
00:41:10,310 --> 00:41:13,000
I see this gorilla out
mowin' the yard.

650
00:41:15,310 --> 00:41:18,724
Leanin' on the fence,
talkin' to the neighbors.

651
00:41:18,827 --> 00:41:21,379
Doesn't your mind
fill with images
as you hear these words?

652
00:41:21,482 --> 00:41:24,137
That's what the words are for.
It's what language is all about.

653
00:41:24,241 --> 00:41:26,862
I see
"drive-through hamburgers."

654
00:41:27,862 --> 00:41:29,517
Yah!

655
00:41:32,793 --> 00:41:35,758
Birds Eye Foods
is real dumb.

656
00:41:37,620 --> 00:41:41,517
You don't, like, get a pack
of peas with "Birds Eyes"
on the outside.

657
00:41:41,620 --> 00:41:43,103
God!

658
00:41:45,137 --> 00:41:47,172
I saw--
A can said, "Pepsi Free."

659
00:41:47,275 --> 00:41:49,517
And I said, "That means
it don't have Pepsi in it."

660
00:41:51,275 --> 00:41:53,241
"That's a Coke."

661
00:41:56,206 --> 00:41:58,172
"Hog futures."
I heard that.

662
00:41:58,275 --> 00:42:00,310
Hogs don't have no future.

663
00:42:01,551 --> 00:42:03,551
Bacon is not a career.

664
00:42:09,517 --> 00:42:11,000
What'd I hear?

665
00:42:11,103 --> 00:42:14,517
The other day I heard
"solo synchronized swimming."

666
00:42:14,620 --> 00:42:16,103
What is that?

667
00:42:17,379 --> 00:42:20,344
If you're by yourself,
what can you synchronize with?

668
00:42:21,965 --> 00:42:23,448
Sounds dirty.

669
00:42:25,206 --> 00:42:27,172
Like "breeding horses."
That's--

670
00:42:27,275 --> 00:42:29,448
You say, "What do you do?"
"We breedhorses."

671
00:42:29,551 --> 00:42:32,448
"Oh, yeah? What's involved?"
You know, "Go on.
Get up there now.

672
00:42:32,551 --> 00:42:36,344
Go on. Get up there.
You'll like her.

673
00:42:36,448 --> 00:42:38,793
She's big-boned.

674
00:42:38,896 --> 00:42:40,896
She has a nice personality."

675
00:42:43,827 --> 00:42:45,517
What'd I hear?
Well, "horse racing."

676
00:42:45,620 --> 00:42:48,068
Do you ever hear about that?
That seems strange to me.

677
00:42:48,172 --> 00:42:49,896
Horses don't wanna race.

678
00:42:50,000 --> 00:42:52,413
It's them little sumbitches
on their back.

679
00:42:55,448 --> 00:42:58,413
You put horses
bare naked in the stalls,
ring the bell, open the gate,

680
00:42:58,517 --> 00:43:00,931
they just go,
"La, la, la. La, la, la."

681
00:43:01,034 --> 00:43:03,344
"Eat some grass.
Loveyour tail."

682
00:43:07,000 --> 00:43:09,620
Horse race is over too fast,
I was thinkin' the other day.

683
00:43:09,724 --> 00:43:12,379
It's about a minute and a half.
That's too quick.

684
00:43:12,482 --> 00:43:15,206
Oughta have big people
for jockeys.

685
00:43:15,310 --> 00:43:18,034
Dick Butkus
should've been a jockey.

686
00:43:18,137 --> 00:43:20,896
Retired football players
get jobs as a jockey,

687
00:43:21,000 --> 00:43:24,137
and then the horses' legs
are bucklin' on the backstretch.

688
00:43:24,241 --> 00:43:26,931
And he comes draggin' him
across the finish line.

689
00:43:27,034 --> 00:43:29,896
Cut out
that photo finish bullshit.

690
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:35,413
Can you believe it? We're gonna
take a picture of the finish
and tell you what it said.

691
00:43:35,517 --> 00:43:37,655
Not with my two dollars.

692
00:43:39,655 --> 00:43:41,931
Topless female jockeys.
Now--

693
00:43:42,034 --> 00:43:45,862
[ Cheering,
Applause ]

694
00:43:45,965 --> 00:43:47,827
Now I'll buy
a photo finish.

695
00:43:49,172 --> 00:43:51,172
"Won by a nose!
No. Oh, my God."

696
00:43:54,206 --> 00:43:56,517
[ Chuckling ]

697
00:43:56,620 --> 00:43:58,965
"If she hadn't been excited,
she'd have lost
that damn race."

698
00:44:06,551 --> 00:44:08,275
Let me see.

699
00:44:08,379 --> 00:44:11,448
What was I inventin'?
A sport the other--
Oh, skeet golf.

700
00:44:13,172 --> 00:44:14,689
Everyone say it now.

701
00:44:14,793 --> 00:44:17,344
[ Audience ]
Skeet golf.Isn't it fun?

702
00:44:17,448 --> 00:44:20,586
You take all your regular clubs.
Everyone say it now.

703
00:44:20,689 --> 00:44:22,241
Skeet golf.

704
00:44:22,344 --> 00:44:25,448
You take all your regular clubs
and your shotgun.

705
00:44:27,206 --> 00:44:29,965
You go ahead and drive,
and if that ball goes
anywhere you don't want it,

706
00:44:30,068 --> 00:44:32,034
get out the gun
and blow it up!

707
00:44:35,793 --> 00:44:37,275
It's legal.

708
00:44:38,482 --> 00:44:40,965
You can't play it where it lies
if it don't lie.

709
00:44:42,275 --> 00:44:44,689
See, we need to invent.
Keep your mind active now.

710
00:44:44,793 --> 00:44:47,310
Get that '60s feelin'
about stuff.

711
00:44:47,413 --> 00:44:49,379
Make your demands to be served.

712
00:44:49,482 --> 00:44:51,896
I'm watchin' basketball.
Boy, is it gettin' easy.

713
00:44:52,000 --> 00:44:55,379
The guys are gettin' taller.
The basket ain't gettin'
no higher.

714
00:44:55,482 --> 00:44:58,379
Is it? No, they're dunkin' it
forward, dunkin' it backward.

715
00:44:58,482 --> 00:45:00,448
Put your foot in your ear
and dunk.

716
00:45:02,137 --> 00:45:05,620
Right. Oughta put the pole
back under the basket.

717
00:45:08,827 --> 00:45:10,896
So when you come in
for a layup, you get laid up.

718
00:45:12,758 --> 00:45:15,000
We need some more
"agony of defeat."

719
00:45:16,965 --> 00:45:19,379
Am I right, gang?Yeah!

720
00:45:19,482 --> 00:45:23,379
Oh, we gots our demands.
We need to be involved.

721
00:45:23,482 --> 00:45:26,827
We need to be entertained.
We need video games.

722
00:45:26,931 --> 00:45:30,034
Yeah![ Chuckling ]

723
00:45:30,137 --> 00:45:32,758
Well, one thing
about video games.

724
00:45:32,862 --> 00:45:35,275
At least it keeps you
from watching so much TV.

725
00:45:36,758 --> 00:45:38,793
Do you have a video game
in your relationship?

726
00:45:38,896 --> 00:45:41,379
You calling each other
Player 1 and Player 2?

727
00:45:41,482 --> 00:45:43,862
Come on, Player 2!
Come on, Player 2!

728
00:45:46,724 --> 00:45:48,862
How many people
are involved in a relationship?

729
00:45:48,965 --> 00:45:51,310
How many people are married?
Married people.

730
00:45:51,413 --> 00:45:53,379
All right, you're not
involved in a relationship.

731
00:45:54,965 --> 00:45:56,793
If you're involved
in a relationship,

732
00:45:56,896 --> 00:45:59,379
you wanna know who's in charge
in your relationship.

733
00:45:59,482 --> 00:46:02,103
When you're laying in bed
at night and you notice
the light is still on,

734
00:46:02,206 --> 00:46:05,965
you get up to go turn it off,
look back in bed,
'cause that's who's in charge.

735
00:46:15,172 --> 00:46:18,034
Sometimes you look
at something 10, 12 times
and it don't seem dumb.

736
00:46:18,137 --> 00:46:20,586
Then that one time
you look at it, you go--

737
00:46:24,379 --> 00:46:27,965
I saw Dandy Don Meredith
the other day on TV,

738
00:46:28,068 --> 00:46:31,551
standin' in a furry coat
in front of a snowstorm...

739
00:46:31,655 --> 00:46:33,620
with a glass
of Lipton Iced Tea.

740
00:46:34,896 --> 00:46:37,758
"Iced tea in the wintertime?
Why not?"

741
00:46:37,862 --> 00:46:40,000
'Cause it's fuckin' dumb,
that's why.

742
00:46:49,206 --> 00:46:51,965
Let me see if you've seen this
and you didn't think
it was stupid.

743
00:46:52,068 --> 00:46:54,965
Dog food where the flavor
matches the shape.

744
00:46:57,689 --> 00:47:00,965
What? What dog
eats 'em one at a time?

745
00:47:02,655 --> 00:47:05,896
[ With French Accent ]
"Oh, the cheese-shaped one.
I'll taste that.

746
00:47:08,310 --> 00:47:11,379
And now the chicken.
Maybe that, yeah.

747
00:47:11,482 --> 00:47:13,724
The taste corresponds."

748
00:47:13,827 --> 00:47:16,275
A dog eats 'em all at once.

749
00:47:16,379 --> 00:47:19,000
He tastes a mush
of all the flavors.

750
00:47:20,482 --> 00:47:24,586
See, it's frivolous,
superfluous
products in America.

751
00:47:24,689 --> 00:47:27,172
Like scented toilet paper...

752
00:47:32,379 --> 00:47:35,551
is the dumbest thing
in the world.

753
00:47:35,655 --> 00:47:38,551
It's the only thing you don't
have to make smell good...

754
00:47:38,655 --> 00:47:40,793
'cause it's gonna get fucked up!

755
00:47:50,310 --> 00:47:52,620
Who is that smell there
to impress?

756
00:47:53,620 --> 00:47:55,103
My thumb?

757
00:47:59,517 --> 00:48:03,103
If you wanna impress my thumb,
make it thicker in the middle.

758
00:48:08,827 --> 00:48:12,620
It's the same thickness where it
ain't supposed to rip as it is
where it is supposed to rip.

759
00:48:12,724 --> 00:48:14,758
Is that dumb?

760
00:48:14,862 --> 00:48:17,448
Has anybody ever needed
one of them little squares?

761
00:48:22,206 --> 00:48:24,448
I use two for a booger.
Don't you?

762
00:48:32,758 --> 00:48:34,896
I don't go diggin'
with one ply.

763
00:48:40,586 --> 00:48:42,620
What'd I see the other day
seemed so dumb?

764
00:48:42,724 --> 00:48:45,896
This woman comes
walkin' in the butcher shop
carryin' a plant.

765
00:48:46,000 --> 00:48:48,965
And the butcher says,
"Your plant's dry." She says,
"So's your pork chops."

766
00:48:50,724 --> 00:48:54,586
Any real man would say,
"What are you doin',
setting me up, bitch?

767
00:48:54,689 --> 00:48:57,896
You wanna say something
about my meat,
you go ahead and say it.

768
00:48:58,000 --> 00:49:00,379
Don't have to carry a plant
around. What if I had said
something about you?

769
00:49:00,482 --> 00:49:02,000
Your legs don't touch
at the top."

770
00:49:02,103 --> 00:49:03,586
Ha-ha-ha!

771
00:49:06,551 --> 00:49:08,413
Really?

772
00:49:08,517 --> 00:49:12,551
They think
we're just all foam heads.

773
00:49:12,655 --> 00:49:15,137
Beer, you know?
Gotta have a beer
all the time.

774
00:49:15,241 --> 00:49:16,689
Beer, beer, beer.Yeah!

775
00:49:16,793 --> 00:49:18,724
Yeah!Yeah!
All right!

776
00:49:18,827 --> 00:49:21,517
Well, it ain't the only way to
celebrate your accomplishments.

777
00:49:21,620 --> 00:49:24,551
I saw this-- These three guys
climb a mountain.
Have you seen this commercial?

778
00:49:24,655 --> 00:49:28,620
They get up to the top and say,
"Boy, this ain't enough.
We oughta have a beer."

779
00:49:32,517 --> 00:49:36,482
Then one says, "You got
three in your backpack!"
[ Guffaws ]

780
00:49:38,517 --> 00:49:43,000
This guy's real smart.
Carried three clinkin' beers
up the mountain, didn't know it.

781
00:49:43,103 --> 00:49:44,689
Now he's gonna share 'em.

782
00:49:44,793 --> 00:49:47,413
If you carried three beers,
wouldn't they be yours?

783
00:49:52,206 --> 00:49:56,448
See, you got to question
this stuff. Just don't
let it slide on by.

784
00:49:56,551 --> 00:49:59,517
These people
are diabolical on TV.

785
00:49:59,620 --> 00:50:03,000
Have you ever seen-- Uh,
have you watched the late movie?

786
00:50:03,103 --> 00:50:04,827
[ Man Clapping ]Okay, one guy.

787
00:50:06,689 --> 00:50:08,655
Who watched it with him?
Somebody watched it.

788
00:50:08,758 --> 00:50:11,103
He didn't stay up by himself
and watch the movie!

789
00:50:11,206 --> 00:50:13,551
Who watched the movie with him?Yeah!

790
00:50:13,655 --> 00:50:16,517
You did?
What is your name, dude?

791
00:50:16,620 --> 00:50:18,620
I'm Rick.You're Ray?

792
00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:21,172
- Rick.
- Rick. "I'm Rick."

793
00:50:22,620 --> 00:50:24,586
Like nobody else is Rick.

794
00:50:25,965 --> 00:50:28,172
Damn, I'm glad
I finally run across him.

795
00:50:29,482 --> 00:50:31,965
I have met
so many impostors.

796
00:50:35,965 --> 00:50:38,103
Damn, you're a big Rick,
ain't ya?

797
00:50:38,206 --> 00:50:41,827
Let me see
just how tall you'd be
if I was to come up agin ya.

798
00:50:43,448 --> 00:50:45,448
[ Laughing ]

799
00:50:47,379 --> 00:50:48,965
How ya doin'?

800
00:50:50,586 --> 00:50:52,655
Well, I'd only
come up agin him once.

801
00:50:54,896 --> 00:50:57,896
Rick, boy, I'm glad--
You must have a job.
Don't ya?

802
00:50:58,000 --> 00:51:02,000
You got on your work clothes.
You come fresh from the job
to the show, didn't you?

803
00:51:02,103 --> 00:51:04,068
Late show.The late show.

804
00:51:06,758 --> 00:51:09,862
[ Laughing,
Applauding ]

805
00:51:11,793 --> 00:51:13,793
Is Rick together
with me on this?

806
00:51:15,862 --> 00:51:17,827
Rick, when you was watchin'
that late movie,

807
00:51:17,931 --> 00:51:20,000
did you ever see a lot
of public service announcements?

808
00:51:20,103 --> 00:51:21,620
That's true.You did, didn't you?

809
00:51:21,724 --> 00:51:24,344
Sometimes you'd see
the same one two and
three times, didn't you?

810
00:51:24,448 --> 00:51:26,620
- That's right.
- Did you see any
during the Super Bowl?

811
00:51:26,724 --> 00:51:29,000
Nope.

812
00:51:29,103 --> 00:51:32,241
Wouldn't that have been
a nice time to talk about
child abuse?

813
00:51:33,310 --> 00:51:35,000
That's why
I'm talkin' to you, Rick.

814
00:51:37,965 --> 00:51:39,862
You got
any children livin'?

815
00:51:39,965 --> 00:51:41,965
No.That's what I thought.

816
00:51:43,551 --> 00:51:45,827
He done kill 'em.

817
00:51:45,931 --> 00:51:48,862
But you see what they do,
they pass a law in Washington.

818
00:51:48,965 --> 00:51:51,896
Them boys puff themselves up
real big and pass a law...

819
00:51:52,000 --> 00:51:55,724
that a certain percentage
of the broadcast day must have
public service announcements.

820
00:51:55,827 --> 00:51:57,724
And the networks said,
"Oh, yeah?

821
00:51:57,827 --> 00:51:59,965
Put 'em at the end."

822
00:52:00,068 --> 00:52:02,379
Right?
That's our world. Hey.

823
00:52:02,482 --> 00:52:04,482
It's laid out right,
ain't it?

824
00:52:04,586 --> 00:52:09,000
Gotta get your mind in the '60s
and see if this shit
don't make sense. Does it?

825
00:52:09,103 --> 00:52:11,482
Does it?No!

826
00:52:11,586 --> 00:52:14,931
Stick with me on this.
You think I'm the only one that
don't like the phone company?

827
00:52:15,034 --> 00:52:17,000
No!Am I?

828
00:52:17,103 --> 00:52:19,034
No!I'm so tired...

829
00:52:19,137 --> 00:52:22,137
of hearing them say,
"You could hold down
the cost of your phone bill...

830
00:52:22,241 --> 00:52:25,206
if you would look it up
yourself in the book."

831
00:52:28,482 --> 00:52:30,000
I know it.

832
00:52:33,482 --> 00:52:36,000
Do they have a book
down there? No.

833
00:52:36,103 --> 00:52:38,689
They have a computer,
don't they? Why?

834
00:52:38,793 --> 00:52:41,172
'Cause the book is dumb!

835
00:52:41,275 --> 00:52:44,034
Whose idea was it anyway
to give everybody
in town a number?

836
00:52:44,137 --> 00:52:46,103
Why don't you just dial
their name?

837
00:52:49,034 --> 00:52:50,517
[ Applauding ]

838
00:52:51,862 --> 00:52:54,000
You might get
a wrong number sometime,

839
00:52:54,103 --> 00:52:56,827
but it would be
the right name!

840
00:52:56,931 --> 00:52:58,931
Mary Smith would be there!

841
00:53:00,344 --> 00:53:02,551
It'd be nicer than getting--
These nice things.

842
00:53:02,655 --> 00:53:06,068
"Mary Smith."
They go, "Mary? No!"

843
00:53:07,827 --> 00:53:10,379
You know?
You'll be a little bit right.

844
00:53:10,482 --> 00:53:12,103
Plus, we could handle it, see?

845
00:53:12,206 --> 00:53:14,724
If they wanna hand stuff out,
give us computers.

846
00:53:16,310 --> 00:53:18,137
The book is obviously
a dumb idea.

847
00:53:18,241 --> 00:53:22,137
If you wanna cut down
on the cost of the phone bill,
quit printin' the damn books!

848
00:53:29,310 --> 00:53:32,862
Uh, ladies and gentlemen,
I did not come here tonight
just to make you laugh.

849
00:53:32,965 --> 00:53:34,965
I came here
to sell you something.

850
00:53:36,103 --> 00:53:38,103
And I want you to pay
particular attention...

851
00:53:38,206 --> 00:53:41,241
because in the modern kitchen
there is a standard rule...

852
00:53:41,344 --> 00:53:44,758
that for every kitchen task,
you must have the proper tool.

853
00:53:45,896 --> 00:53:47,724
You've got your corers,
your borers,

854
00:53:47,827 --> 00:53:50,896
your graters, your shredders,
your hashers, your mashers,
your hammers and "frammers,"

855
00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:53,137
your "mealers" and peelers,
corkscrewers and skewers,

856
00:53:53,241 --> 00:53:55,965
and knives, you wives
and dish-washing daughters,

857
00:53:56,068 --> 00:53:58,793
will find in the depths
of the dirty dishwater.

858
00:53:58,896 --> 00:54:00,965
But you want all that shit
in your drawers?

859
00:54:01,068 --> 00:54:02,724
No!

860
00:54:02,827 --> 00:54:04,551
You want all that shit
in your drawers?

861
00:54:04,655 --> 00:54:05,827
No!

862
00:54:05,931 --> 00:54:07,758
Well, the amazing
Mastertool Corporation,

863
00:54:07,862 --> 00:54:10,206
a subsidiary
of Fly-By-Night Industries
has entrusted who-- me--

864
00:54:10,310 --> 00:54:13,000
to show you the handiest
and the dandiest kitchen tool
you've ever seen.

865
00:54:13,103 --> 00:54:15,034
And don't you want to know
how it works?

866
00:54:15,137 --> 00:54:17,965
Yeah!Well, first you get out
an ordinary apple.

867
00:54:18,068 --> 00:54:20,965
You place the ordinary apple
between the patented pans.
Then what do you do?

868
00:54:21,068 --> 00:54:23,551
You reach for the tool
that is not a slicer, is not
a dicer, is not a chopper.

869
00:54:23,655 --> 00:54:25,793
What in the hell
could it possibly be? Hey!

870
00:54:25,896 --> 00:54:28,275
Sledge-O-Matic![ Cheering ]

871
00:54:28,379 --> 00:54:29,862
Sledge-O-Matic!

872
00:54:32,724 --> 00:54:34,517
What is it?

873
00:54:36,275 --> 00:54:38,137
What is it?

874
00:54:38,241 --> 00:54:39,724
What is it?

875
00:54:52,379 --> 00:54:54,448
[ Shrieking,
Laughing ]

876
00:54:54,551 --> 00:54:56,793
Don't lettuce go good?

877
00:54:58,241 --> 00:54:59,896
Look at that again!

878
00:55:01,517 --> 00:55:03,758
Don't lettuce go good!

879
00:55:04,758 --> 00:55:06,862
It goes better
than these guys.

880
00:55:10,931 --> 00:55:12,965
I hate cottage cheese.

881
00:55:13,068 --> 00:55:14,620
Boy, do I hate it.

882
00:55:24,758 --> 00:55:27,344
Isn't that somethin'?

883
00:55:27,448 --> 00:55:29,862
[ Cheering ]

884
00:55:29,965 --> 00:55:32,586
Here goes the chicken.
The chicken.

885
00:55:32,689 --> 00:55:34,758
There we go. No problem.

886
00:55:35,862 --> 00:55:39,965
[ Audience Members
Shouting ]

887
00:55:40,068 --> 00:55:42,034
Ladies
and gentlemen,

888
00:55:45,068 --> 00:55:47,586
I don't want to end
a very smart show...

889
00:55:49,724 --> 00:55:51,724
with a lot of stupidity.

890
00:55:52,793 --> 00:55:54,689
So instead...[ Man ]
Watermelon.

891
00:55:54,793 --> 00:55:58,068
I would like to leave you
with these words of wisdom.

892
00:55:58,172 --> 00:56:01,724
One should always remember,
don't pick shit up.

893
00:56:01,827 --> 00:56:03,758
[ Laughing ]

894
00:56:03,862 --> 00:56:07,068
Chances are, when you need it
again, it'll be right there
where you left it.

895
00:56:10,310 --> 00:56:13,206
I want you to remember
behind every successful man...

896
00:56:13,310 --> 00:56:14,965
is an amazed mother-in-law.

897
00:56:15,068 --> 00:56:18,206
[ Laughing,
Applauding ]

898
00:56:20,275 --> 00:56:21,793
So--

899
00:56:23,034 --> 00:56:25,000
So I think it's worth
trying to succeed...

900
00:56:25,103 --> 00:56:26,862
just for the opportunity
of fuckin' her up.

901
00:56:28,896 --> 00:56:30,379
[ Cheering ]

902
00:56:31,482 --> 00:56:32,965
Don't, uh--

903
00:56:33,068 --> 00:56:36,034
Don't think that just because
I haven't paid--

904
00:56:36,137 --> 00:56:38,724
[ Audience Cheering ]

905
00:56:40,586 --> 00:56:43,551
any attention
to this little watermelon.

906
00:56:52,551 --> 00:56:56,827
Is there anyone
that particularly does not
want me to smash this pig?

907
00:56:56,931 --> 00:56:58,172
No!

908
00:56:58,275 --> 00:57:00,862
Well, then let's go ahead
and do it!

909
00:57:01,965 --> 00:57:04,862
♪ The cops
all got mustaches now ♪

910
00:57:04,965 --> 00:57:08,034
♪ And your mother
wears blue jeans ♪

911
00:57:08,137 --> 00:57:11,758
♪ Back on the rack
is a miniskirt ♪

912
00:57:11,862 --> 00:57:14,241
♪ Are you beginning to see
what I mean? ♪

913
00:57:14,344 --> 00:57:15,827
♪ Check it out now

914
00:57:15,931 --> 00:57:18,551
♪ What in the past
keeps us coming back? ♪

915
00:57:18,655 --> 00:57:22,241
♪ That's a fact
every hippie knows ♪

916
00:57:22,344 --> 00:57:24,241
♪ Because no bands
have replaced ♪

917
00:57:24,344 --> 00:57:29,000
♪ The Beatles and even Bob
ain't no Dylan no more ♪

918
00:57:29,103 --> 00:57:32,517
♪ So roll me a golden oldie

919
00:57:32,620 --> 00:57:36,724
♪ Now take me where I been

920
00:57:36,827 --> 00:57:39,724
♪ Set my mind
on a wilder time ♪

921
00:57:39,827 --> 00:57:42,724
♪ It's the '60s
all over again ♪

922
00:57:45,482 --> 00:57:47,896
♪ Sixties all over again

923
00:57:50,344 --> 00:57:52,758
♪ Oh, it's the '60s
all over again ♪

924
00:57:52,862 --> 00:57:55,310
♪ Ba-da-da-boom ♪